29/03/2011 topics

- drinking for dutch courage
- funny childhood stories
- parent teacher meetings
- eyeballs
- the cost of make-up
- tanning
- ginger kids
- sky sports
- staff vs management
- rascality & ineffectualness

Q1 - there's some places I won't lick

Q2 - that's not the child I gave birth to

Q3 - well I'm strange

Q4 - he's as funny as a mass card

28/03/2011 topics

- grandparent's birthdays
- the height of co-workers kids
- people dressing like it's their first communion
- semolina
- paying for school dinners
- lottery winnings
- the shock of receiving some post at the correct address
- standing in your knickers and using a hand-drier to dry trousers
- our new motto "what would McA**** do?" (name obscured for legal reasons)

Q1 - if I dressed like that my kids would lock me in a wardrobe

Q2 - what year was my house born?

Bonus: The Fear

It always seems like you've done something really bad that you can't remember, a side effect of blackout from the night before. Is that blood on your arm yours? Did you murder someone? Where the fuck did all these bruises come from? Why can't I move my neck? Was I in a car accident?
Sometimes you have done something really cringeworthy, but mostly there's an anxiety about imagined outrages. Then the usual bite when you come to terms with how much money you rinsed in the binge, the fact your girlfriend isn't speaking to you because you grabbed her sister's arse right up the crease of her shuck, your mate is raging because you spilled half a bottle of wine down the back of his stack, the bouncers in your local had to escort you from the premises, and some amateur pap has photographs of the whole evening and tagged you on facebook in a video "erotically" dancing to Lady Gaga.
And never check your sent texts. Ever. Delete the whole folder and pretend you didn't send outpourings of undying love to the barmaid.
There is no cure for The Fear, but I find a fry and a couple of beers takes the worst of the edge of it. Try and resist the temptation to turn it into another session, however. The Fear will wait for you on the other side and grows in might exponentially with each day of the bender.

Last couple of days have been terrifying, spiritually, psychologically and physically.
Flew to Glasgow on 16th and flew back on 21st with no day off the lash in between. Managed a few breakfasts and a couple of evening meals, but mostly a non-stop 18hr a day diet of beer, red wine and rum. 6 days solid. Oh, and then took a pill and a rake of nose-gunk within an hour of arriving back in Belfast.
The Fear kicked in the next day as expected, but this was nothing like I have ever felt before. Squirting rusty battery acid out of my shuck every hour. Puking up every time I tried to drink a glass of water. Disturbing red flecks in said puke. Stomach on fire. Pissing a painful deep orange and cloudy reeking matter. Needed to go back to work the next day so I took to my bed and tried to rest. Not a fucking chance. Shrieking head-goblins every time I closed my eyes. Imagined that every car door slamming in the street was a murder squad come for me. Sweats, shivers, too hot, too cold, everything too wrong. Genuinely scared of even turning on the tv or looking out the curtains in case of seeing bad things.
And then, in a moment of sheer genius, got up and checked my online balance to find I had spent a grand in a week (not including flights, hotels or gig tickets all pre-paid) and I had a tenner left in my account. I think at that point there may have been some weeping. The Fear had won again.
Managed a pint yesterday after work, got paid by work, and the weekend may be ahead, but something has changed in me. Some irreparable damage, perhaps. I feel like a haunted man. My stomach still isn't processing stuff properly. The moral of the story: by the age of 44, I should have realised that 6 days non-stop should have a cost; the cost is 3 days in the ninth circle of hell. As the prison bitch of The Fear.

(link)

24/03/2011 & 25/03/2011

- The Fear
- paranormal activity (not the film)
- raving at The Arena
- forum comedy
- tucker max stories (link)
- premature babies
- how to hang clothes properly on a washing line
- peppa pig land
- time off at easter
- monitoring timekeeping
- secret weddings

Q1 - when the light show came on everyone used to lie on the floor, pure rubbered, just watching

Q2 - hey ho

Q3 - have you seen the size of the bees we're getting? they're bigger than birds!

Q4 - count yourselves lucky you have jobs

Q5 - she looks like a jumble sale

Q6 - look at him!

22/03/2011 & 23/3/2011

- health and safey regarding asthmatics & aftershave
- hen nights
- children
- scars and head injuries
- height issues
- semi-naked gypsies in Primark
- our own mortality

Q1 - you forget you have a shadow

Q2 - of course they're staring at you, you've got your tits in their face

Q3 - imagine your tubes untying

Q4 - one was a mistake when she was 20 and the other was a mistake when she was 40

Q5 -'what happened to your hand?' - 'someone smashed a bottle over my head!'

Q6 - my ma is 5ft5 and I would have made it if I didn't smoke

Q7 - I'm 36 soon so I don't consider myself young anymore

21/03/2011 topics

- the secret marriage of co-workers and how they managed to keep it a secret. Questions will have to be answered on their return from honeymoon!
- dancing badgers (link)
- St Patrick's Day parades
- locked-in syndrome (link)
- phone upgrades
- making a pact to be married by 40
- drunken food choices

Q1 - people from Cookstown are ugly, they're really weird looking

Q2 - you'd eat shit off a rusty stick when you're steamin'

18/03/2011 topics

- painting pots and cake sales
- grinders
- memories of school
- conversations with children
- The Smoking Room (link)
- who we should have backed at Cheltenham

Q1 - I got one from Ling of the Bi

Q2 - an albino could only come from Larne

15/03/2011 & 16/03/2011 topics

- pedos
- nearly killing pensioners who are out walking their dogs at 7am
- wine
- not putting the father on a child's birth certificate
- Jeremy Kyle's DNA tests
- sleep-walking & sleep-eating
- the cold weather
- height
- is the definition of a gentleman someone who lets you keep your bra on?
- noise pollution
- poor fashion choices
- watching porn behind your partners back

Q1 - fuck this balls, it's too early!

Q2 - why did I wear these jeans? My balls are freezing!

Q3 - sleep is mental

Q4 - take your bra off

Q5 - you can see her knickers through that

14/03/2011 topics

- last weekend
- pedo priests
- going on holiday without your kids
- Japanese earthquake (link 1) (link 2)
- hangover cures
- leaving the toilet seat up
- children's masks
- hiding books inside other books
- money or love: what is all you need? (money)
- where does the word poke come from in reference to ice cream?

Q1 - the first time we don't have our flat and there's two sluts lookin' bucked!

Q2 - what size is her face?

Q3 - is the Caribbean not where Hawaii is?

Q4 - money may not be able to buy you love but it can buy an approximation at an hourly rate and that's good enough for me

Q5 - "I don't like touching the toilet seat with all those germs on it" - "You wipe your hole when its covered in shit!"

11/03/2011 topics + bonus

- MOT, insurance and shit French cars
- Charlie Sheen's cooking up some winning recipes
- Tsunamis, earthquakes and the gulf stream
- child birth
- unlicensed dogs
- problem neighbours
- children's parties
- cracks in walls
- moonboots
- roman numerals
- men vs women: who are filthier?
- Tardree Forest: catering for all your witchcraft, devil-worshiping, cottaging and dogging needs (link)

Q1 - never buy a car from a county that won in the war

Q2 - it's like pulling your lip over the top of your head

Q3 - dogs are like women, good fun until they turn on you

BONUS

10/03/2011 topics

- free wood for fires
- giving birth
- people mishearing your name
- dinosaurs
- alligators vs crocodiles
- returning items to Next
- Baywatch (link)
- radio phone in competitions
- fake eyelashes
- dying grey hair



Q1 - I'd rather buck that stair

Q2 - people from Derry are just weird, they're not on our wavelength

Bonus

09/03/2011 topics

- women pissing themselves
- invading personal space
- Ash Wednesday
- fake Disneyland holidays
- legal cock-ups
- re-mortgaging
- lay preachers
- nuns

Q1 - if you're jumping on a trampoline it can happen ... only if you've pushed out a few kids or something

Q2 - he's like a woman on her period

Q3 - carmelite nuns, what would they do with a banana?

08/03/2011 topics

- doing the hucklebuck behind the sofa
- going wrong / having a moment
- fake nails and half-price jewellers
- birthday cake
- the walking speed of colleagues
- going 'hunting' for partners
- vomiting on a private island
- Mexican pranksters
- Crayon Classes AKA The Unit
- The Parks

Q1 - it'll take them 2 weeks, they may leave now

Q2 - you go out a day like that with no coat and you'll have no coat

Q3 - "You haven't seen one fish" - "I don't give a fuck!"

Q4 - our crayon class got to go fuckin jet-skiin'!!

07/03/2011 topics

- Gavin & Stacey
- house calls
- Charlie Sheen 'winning' on Good Morning America (legend)
- The Hucklebuck

QOTD: Fuck my tonsils!

01/03/2011 topics

- Celtic v Rangers (link)
- Rooney's elbow against Wigan
- rising cost of car insurance
- unhygienic people

QOTD: she's fuckin leapin

28/02/2011 topics

- failed romantic moments
- the ides of march
- history of April Fools Day
- why does Easter move date?

QOTD: she wouldn't piss on him