Quote of the Year

And the winner is ....


"Pure hangin' out the window waiting for St Vincent de Paul - Ma ring them bastards and see where my turkey is!"


Congratulations to the winner (you know who you are)

November Quote of the Month

Best Total:  I used to think you were bad until I met someone ten times worse


Best Avg:  I didn't see, I was working

28/11/2011 - 30/11/2011 quotes

Q1 - that's even tragicer
Q2 - you got a smoothie maker when you were 10! I'm still looking one and I'm 37!
Q3 - there was some wee girl at school who had to get all her hair cut off because she shit up her back
Q4 - what is the Irish League?

26/11/2011 quotes

Q1 - there's always carrots in it
Q2 - better chance of having a dwarf baby
Q3 - one big lip
Q4 - I bet you Anne Frank never had a cold
Q5 - it never tungled

14/11/2011 - 23/11/2011 quotes

Q01 - she gives me rage
Q02 - the one with no hair is in to Bon Jovi
Q03 - why are you looking at penises on the internet?
Q04 - you always learn something new everyday
Q05 - I stood on my xmas cards you fucker
Q06 - he's got the gay
Q07 - I didn't see, I was working
Q08 - my mouth tastes like feet
Q09 - why do fogeys have to go with people?
Q10 - imagine getting your balls rubbed on AO's sofa

11/11/2011 quotes

Q1 - if you've got curly hair like that why do you need a hood?

10/11/2011 quotes

Q1 - I love licking
Q2 - I don't go on holiday without Cif wipes
Q3 - There is no phalange

02/11/2011 - 09/11/2011 quotes

Q01 - baby sick is so nice
Q02 - my brain is totally fucked
Q03 - I don't like sharing a bed, not even with you
Q04 - he wants a penguin for the house
Q05 - it's vomit everywhere when I'm hungover
Q06 - I just wanna lie in my own pish and die in a corner
Q07 - Just want every girl wants for her birthday - more wrinkles
Q08 - pure logs!
Q09 - they smell like they're too good for you
Q10 - I used to think you were bad until I met someone ten times worse
Q11 - the gays love him
Q12 - your teeth are gorgeous

October Quote of the Month

Best Total & Avg:  Facecock - the new leave chart

31/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - she wants her butt buttered
Q2 - I'd love to sit my hole on that photocopier and send that out with a wee turtlehead
Q3 - like a whore-bag, touched for the very first time
Q4 -spray my pits
Q5 - I'm trying to think, is my granny that wide?

24/10/2011 - 28/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - I'd like to turn my downstairs toilet into a cupboard
Q2 - my hole's on fire
Q3 - I am such a tit of almighty titness
Q4 - I am such a banjo
Q5 - pure pished my pants, pishy pants!
Q6 - lost in the fire ... burned by a cup of tea
Q7 - all I'm missing is the shits
Q8 - he is the sole reason for satanism
Q9 - I can't have trunks, even on weans
Q10 - see if you shit on me!
Q11 - ridin' the bit out
Q12 - I don't do the toilet when I'm drunk
Q13 - he looks like an Arthur
Q14 - I farted when I was sleeping and he woke up and had to be sick

21/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - he looks like a sexual deviant
Q2 - have you a sore arm?
Q3 - here she comes now - Tits R Us!
Q4 - we need to go and see Steps

20/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - they should just wear a nappy

19/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - I just don't get the world anymore
Q2 - shite in a bucket
Q3 - fuck, my hole's cold
Q4 - you've the same nose as me
Q5 - it could just be period pains
Q6 - toaster chaos!
Q7 - this place is fucking crazy, I want to go back to Lanzarote
Q8 - suck my nipples
Q9 - my thumb's sore from deleting

18/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - unless it's fit for human consumption it ain't going in my mouth
Q2 - I don't want a mint, I want a pancake
Q3 - I don't watch Soccer AM any more I'd rather watch Saturday Kitchen Live
Q4 - you really come out with the fandangley shit
Q5 - mice piss everywhere ... every time they take a step they piss
Q6 - I had to outside and laugh for a very long time until stuff cane out my nose
Q7 - she smokes and drinks like a fish and a train

17/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - as long as it's not my dirty neighbour down the road I don't care who's flirting with me
Q2 - suck them bastards
Q3 - please tell me I didn't lick his face
Q4 - just ram it in
Q5 - my one and only true love shat on me, pished on me and spat me out the wee bastard
Q6 - he was another crazy balloon

13/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - sickens my tiddlywinks

12/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - when you get a minute can you fix my pooper?
Q2 - facecock - the new leave chart
Q3 - he keeps his pass in a willy warmer
Q4 - what a fiend we have in Jesus

10/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - it's purple!!
Q2 - I didn't mean to do a big long one
Q3 - if it doesn't rub off you're good to go
Q4 - there's a word for people like that - wanker
Q5 - I don't know anyone that's still in school, I'm 30 and not a pedo

September Quote of the Month

 Pure hangin' out the window waiting for St Vincent de Paul - Ma ring them bastards and see where my turkey is

07/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - I think Michael Jackson might have been mental

03/10/2011 quotes

Q1 - gypsy banjo fucks and student bastards
Q2 - you can't trust an animal that shows you its hole
Q3 - a full on axe murdering, paedophile banjo
Q4 - autism, a great excuse
Q5 - Anne Frank never had to put up with this shit

30/09/2011 quotes

Q1 - I was thinking about sitting on your knee for a cuddle

29/09/2011 quotes

Q1 - words - walt, sucked, right now spring to mind
Q2 - please mummy can Santa bring me a bomb for xmas?
Q3 - "you have to take the whole thing off to pee" - "no, you just move it to the side"
Q4 - "who's Chris Patton?" - "he was the Mayor of China"
Q5 - fucking goat fuckers

28/09/2011 quotes

Q1 - what do you can that man that locked people up .... Schnitzel?
Q2 - this job is worse than the counter
Q3 - "is there anything contentious in your drawers?" - "there's nothing innocent in his drawers?"

22/09/2011 - 27/09/2011 quotes

Q1 - those eyebrows look like they belong to you
Q2 - don't give her anymore chips, she owes me money
Q3 - the boy across the road thought he was Jesus and used to walk down the street naked
Q4 - right up my blancmange area
Q5 - why is she dressed in black? she looks like something out of The Matrix
Q6 - she opened the breadbin and a cat jumped out
Q7 - who is Lady Muck?
Q8 - I can remember clearing out a keyboard and finding publics
Q9 - "do you want some flowers?" - "I'd rather have a cheesecake"
Q10 - in my day they were all queers

21/09/2011 quotes

Q1 - I don't even think she'd get in to the crayon class
Q2 - I shit my cock out
Q3 - I'm getting VD
Q4 - don't lick it or pick it
Q5 - "she's on the fourth floor" - "I just put them through to the operator!"

11/09/2011 - 14/09/2011 quotes

Q1 - your shit takes the biscuit
Q2 - shit on me ... wait, don't
Q3 - I'm ready to kill dead things
Q4 - sure I'm blind I can't see 'D'
Q5 - and buggerlugs gets off with everything again!

August Quote of the Month

Best Total: he doesn't believe in romance, he just sticks his balls in your face

Best Avg: but that's Old Testament ... I mean they didn't have fridges

July Quote of the Month

Best Total & Avg: you can't say cunt in a dinner ambience

10/09/2011 quotes

Q1 - I'm pure covered in shit
Q2 - that means something in Hindi
Q3 - I love Rhodesian Ridgebacks
Q4 - you know the way you look at someone in a wheelchair and think 'God help them', do you think they look at us and think 'God help them, they have to walk everywhere'?

09/09/2011 quotes

Q1 - peeing down my leg
Q2 - I'd love to throw a packet of bacon at him
Q3 - is this the one that put their finger up your bum?

05/09/2011 - 08/09/2011 quotes

Q01 - FF's fuck my life right up, through the face, 6 times, completely
Q02 - it gives me the willies
Q03 - surrounded by shite, singing out my hole clean
Q04 - I need a pure pish
Q05 - what do you call the man that brings you free shit at Christmas ? Paul something?
Q06 - Pure hangin' out the window waiting for St Vincent de Paul - Ma ring them bastards and see where my turkey is
Q07 - my mate had a wank in Anne Frank's house
Q08 - Love Anne Frank's house, she had more room than I had the silly bitch
Q09 - who's Anne Frank?
Q10 - I'm the Anne Frank of Greysteel
Q11 - you've curry on your eyebrow
Q12 - I always measure them before I say yes
Q13 - I've already got a cup of tea you blackmailing shit, what do you want?
Q14 - my bastard language is fucking atrocious
Q15 - I'm not pissing anymore
Q16 - I love laughing
Q17 - cats wank
Q18 - you could shit in a cupboard and they still wouldn't sack you

04/09/2011 quotes

Q1 - "I've got the belly hangin' out" - "There's more meat on Good Friday!"

message to staff

30/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - my cat at home has no meow ... it just opens its mouth and nothing comes out
Q2 - is "crazy in the face" worse than "mental in the face"?

22/08/2011 & 23/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - they can run for miles with a plasma TV under their arms but when they have to walk to get water there's nothing but whinging outta them
Q2 - I'd rather suck a sweaty sock
Q3 - but that's Old Testament ... I mean they didn't have fridges
Q4 - she lives in England somewhere ... in a car

16/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - you can't talk to someone when you're having a shite - it's your own private moment

12/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - I could eat the balls off a low flying duck
Q2 - going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a hooker for a hug

09/08/2011 - 11/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - I hate dyslexia, it doesn't exist - people are just stupid
Q2 - they're dirty bastards them Pet Shop Boys
Q3 - I didn't touch alcohol until I was 21 and the first night I did I set my hair on fire
Q4 - I don't have a Smart phone, I have a Scope phone

08/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - "he had a funny voice, very deep" - "yeah, like he should have been black"
Q2 - someone get that spastic on a plane
Q3 - where the fuck are the scissors?
Q4 - fuck your housekeeping you're eating nothing. You can starve you cunt!
Q5 - close the door and the your mouth from the other side
Q6 - sickens my dung
Q7 - do you think a homosexual would get away with rubbing some old granny?
Q8 - there was one boy who had a really tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny head

05/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - she wouldn't let me go to Belfast so I had to climb out the bathroom window
Q2 - "sure I know your Da" - "I'd like to think so, he's your brother!"
Q3 - they just have to mix them because there's not that many of them
Q4 - he spat on me first!

04/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - your da looks like a porn star
Q2 - he looks like Freddie Mercury
Q3 - Ting Tong McAdangdang!
Q4 - who would have thought that innocent child would turn in to that hussy there
Q5 - look at these nob-cheese-balls
Q6 - it's not a real job, it's just a laugh
Q7 - he was going to sue him because he wasn't allowed to eat ham
Q8 - camel toe, that's not porn that's just someone with the wrong trousers on

03/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - there's a reason it's called a 'job'
Q2 - there shouldn't be any chewing involved
Q3 - don't put a crayon up your nose there's too many forms to fill in
Q4 - ATOL my hole
Q5 - don't take it off on the sick HR are after everyone's hole

02/08/2011 quotes

Q01 - I shit my knickers at lightning
Q02 - it's like dealing with blankets
Q03 - as soon as we head down south we start talking in southern accents like two wank-boxes
Q04 - he doesn't believe in romance, he just sticks his balls in your face
Q05 - that fuckin' brandy ball is burnin' the mouth off me
Q06 - everyday in here is shit
Q07 - what's the address of this piece of spunk
Q08 - if I was in the same room as her I'd kill her with my thoughts
Q09 - you can't suck people's balls ... you'd choke!
Q10 - don't go with a woman in her mid-30s, she can't be arsed
Q11 - A day spent in here is a day wasted

01/08/2011 quotes

Q1 - fuckedy, fuckedy, fuck, fuck
Q2 - they just stand in the back with their balls out
Q3 - shit or get off the pot - no, shit in the pot
Q4 - the handles burned off the barbecue
Q5 - so ... does anyone know when Dallas is starting?
Q6 - where is the Dancing Queen?
Q7 - I just heard that 'Owling' is the new craze
Q8 - I went to use that photocopier the other day and it just said no

20/07/2011 - 26/07/2011 quotes

Q1 - there is a god ... a bird just shit The Bake
Q2 - RCA were my favourite record label ... apart from EMI
Q3 - he said I would never be able to swim and to get my money back
Q4 - there's a tree but he ain't no Tarzan
Q5 - he had to shave his belly

18/07/2011 & 19/07/2011 quotes

Q1 - my arse hurts
Q2 - new raincoat ...I bought it for the rain
Q3 - my wein is obsessed with nipples
Q4 - I'm a twos man, I do everything in twos
Q5 - The Human Centipede has scarred me for life
Q6 - I have to ping a button, I'm too full
Q7 - you can't dance with a spastic with a hard on

11/07/2011 quotes

Q1 - "there's no cock in it" - "no good"
Q2 - they do school clothes, they're shit - pure spit through
Q3 - if I was wearing a nightie I'd always wear knickers

June QOTM

Best Total: I've got love juice on my desk

Best Avg: see when my granny was pregnant, she hit some woman over the head with a brush shaft

07/07/2011 & 08/07/2011 quotes

Q1 - his granda used to come in a take a piss when he was in the bath
Q2 - imagine your granny coming in and doing a big shite
Q3 - they used to sit there in their whips watching TV
Q4 - you can't be sitting with your balls out beside your ma
Q5 - claim to fame, I was asked to leave the Brownies
Q6 - my mother is a maniac and my brother is gay

04/07/2011 & 06/07/2011 quotes

Q1 - I would masturbate furiously with £100 notes until nothing but dust came out
Q2 - you get it from kissing cats
Q3 - his sperm's dead
Q4 - stuck in the back of my ballbag throat
Q5 - Cbeebies is not shit! ... only joking it is
Q6 - that sickens my shit
Q7 - I was gonna my son Diarmuid if he was a boy
Q8 - LW doesn't cope well with S53's

01/07/2011 quotes

Q1 - what do seagulls do? nothing! ... apart from shit on your head
Q2 - I'm ragin' about them seagulls
Q3 - that woman stole one of my earrings
Q4 - she is completely and utterly simple
Q5 - the hot-tub lovin' starts tomorrow
Q6 - you can't say cunt in a dinner ambience

29/06/2011 & 30/06/2011 quotes

Q01 - Tyrone bandits!
Q02 - you banjo!!
Q03 - I didn't know the government were lying to me
Q04 - ciabatta 35p, a packet of ham is £1 so one slice is 20p, tomato 9p, but there's a skiff of butter and a load of salad cream so I'd say overall ... 75p
Q05 - gone are the days of laying on a bed to get zipped up
Q06 - she's off sick, Wimbledon's on
Q07 - they do pay for pasting and pokage
Q08 - shit in the fridge
Q09 - he smelt the fresh cream cakes from half a mile away the big bastard
Q10 - you can't lick someone else's poke
Q11 - rhubarb gives my dad the shits
Q12 - came all the way from Fermanagh with a suitcase
Q13 - you know she pushed her ma down the stairs because her ma was bangin' in the front room
Q14 - I've got love juice on my desk

28/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - I'm gonna have to put out
Q2 - steamroom, spa, hot-tub - you know what he has in mind, dirty bastard
Q3 - suck a walt clean outta my ass
Q4 - I can't stand this level of masturbation
Q5 - I hope they have a shit time and get rabies
Q6 - they'll be coming back with their hole hanging off
Q7 - if you're gonna piss in the hedge, point it at the hedge
Q8 - see when my granny was pregnant, she hit some woman over the head with a brush shaft

27/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - he just sat there with his hands down his pants drinking beer
Q2 - he's the one with the six weins who are all bananas
Q3 - you're a fucking wanker Jeffrey
Q4 - he doesn't bricklay anymore, he's a Country & Western singer now
Q5 - put them in your drawer, it'll make it smell like summer

24/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - "sure I rid her" - " Liar, she wouldn't have rid you"
Q2 - he likes to touch you
Q3 - he's a perverted old shit
Q4 - he likes kissin' and feelin' you
Q5 - the builders ... well they weren't builders ... they gypsies that built my house left our tank uneven
Q6 - then they come back to steal your oil ... and your dog
Q7 - it's the most disappointing sweet, it's just a crackle that's it

22/06/2011 & 23/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - I know! I used to work in the chip van
Q2 - so I did, we used to put Lidl's red sauce in the Heinz bottle
Q3 - does your arse need cleaned?
Q4 - Monica Lewinsky!
Q5 - she called my ma a tramp the other day
Q6 - the laziness is hangin' outta me

21/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - my legs are scary
Q2 - my shoes are rank as well
Q3 - he has a nice bum, it's neat
Q4 - what do you call that film ... it has your boy from Scarface in it ... oh wait it's Scarface
Q5 - she made him shit outside ... he had to shit in the snow
Q6 - you're not showing your hole today

20/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - he talks to her fanny
Q2 - tooth-fairies are off on Sundays
Q3 - she can wipe her hole with it if she wants, I won't be returning it
Q4 - he's such a nob
Q5 - I wouldn't know what a mammoth looks like, raise it as a hairy monkey
Q6 - landmark my hole, that's the best landmark you're ever gonna get ... if you can find it
Q7 - you forget how easy it is to pick up the phone and talk balls
Q8 - nuns beat you up

16/06/2011 & 17/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - Daniel O'Donnell cured my Granny's arthritis
Q2 - I've got a Road Service pencil
Q3 - my pants are on inside out, I've just felt the label
Q4 - that clampet with special needs that lives with my Granda bought a pair of roller-boots with My Little Pony on them ... and they didn't even fit
Q5 - too seedy, I'll be shitting my ass off
Q6 - Chocolate would make you shit too
Q7 - are you nice and wet too?

15/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - did you hear I grew an inch?
Q2 - I think you should be on Jeremy Kyle
Q3 - there's a boy in the bar that can fit ten 2p's on his
Q4 - some peoples don't grow they just get hard because they're already giant
Q5 - "are you ragin' you've only got a five 2p one?" - "but mine grows!!"
Q6 - women don't give a shit, if it's too big they don't want it
Q7 - see that Hovis Granary it's fuckin class

13/06/2011 & 14/06/2011 quotes

Q01 - the honeymoon is over ... he can suck his own balls
Q02 - my mate says your boy is a complete bell-end
Q03 - you could go sober, leave sober but if you had one of those burgers you'd wake up feeling like shit (I had four of those burgers one night!)
Q04 - we were looking for him for ages and he was up the tree
Q05 - "quick... quick, tell me!" - "no" - "you're shit!"
Q06 - stop staring at his groin
Q07 - I love B&M
Q08 - he told me the cat was licking it
Q09 - I could slip through a grating
Q10 - it's me, I always leave a trail of destruction behind me
Q11 - "I can't eat that Big Soup" - "why?" - "it's too big"
Q12 - your feet are rank
Q13 - you don't like pickled onion, I know you don't
Q14 - He pushed me!
Q15 - I hate Venn diagrams
Q16 - secret red pens, they're good ones, they're Staedtler. They're the dear ones!
Q17 - thems the good post-its, the ones that say 'Post-it'. Them ones that say 'Banner' are cheap shit but the best are Tesco's they're the stickiest

May Quote of the Month

Best Total: we went to Glastonbury, like two spastics, with a "Wendy House"

Best Avg: A nun can't have a gay son.

08/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - is a bull a male cow?
Q2 - pure Hollyoaks
Q3 - do you know how much tuna is? Tuna's while dear!
Q4 - in 1992 a fiver was a tenner
Q5 - I've dipped sheep, twice actually
Q6 - there'll be fur flying everywhere .... fur!
Q7 - look at the size of that phone ... any need? ... no need

The Eyes

07/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - birds are evil, sure I had that killer rooster
Q2 - it used to chase you and jump up on your back and peck your head
Q3 - when you were young you used to think sea gulls were lovely things
Q4 - she looked like she was wearing 5 nappies
Q5 - I don't do black bananas

01/06/2011 - 06/06/2011 quotes

Q1 - do you think her husband looks like her?
Q2 - check out the VD!!
Q3 - I hate palm trees
Q4 - they're a rare tree, there's no character to them
Q5 - this coffee doesn't taste normal, maybe they're trying to poison us

31/05/2011 quotes

Q01 - donkeys are gonna end up extinct you know
Q02 - Wells isn't a name, it's a well
Q03 - I don't have to pee already do I? I'm only in!
Q04 - my legs wouldn't work
Q05 - he's UTV they're shit
Q06 - one of our goats fell and broke it's leg in the river so he shot it, skinned it and made it in to a rug
Q07 - I went clean berserk, I even bought a cushion!
Q08 - do you not think it would be lethal if you had a tail? Just think of all the things you could do with it
Q09 - one word does not a winner make
Q10 - "Yes! Stevie Wonder!" - "is he the blind one?"

25/05/2011 & 26/05/2011 quotes

Q01 - Mongolians!
Q02 - a nun can't have a gay son
Q03 - at school the babbies used to bring home a box for their mummys to bake a cake so I just went out and bought on and put it in the box
Q04 - she must have the constitution of an ox
Q05 - he's my brother from another mother
Q06 - Beans? what am I gonna do with beans?
Q07 - I can't take people seriously who don't have chins
Q08 - I'm gonna kill her dead, clean dead
Q09 - is it common for dogs to have to pee through the night?
Q10 - fuck the fire door
Q11 - Poundland do them for a pound

23/05/2011 & 24/05/2011 quotes

Q01 - laugh or burn
Q02 - I wash his teddys because he shags them and you can't have spunk all over the house
Q03 - the last time I was at Slane I had to bring my breast pump
Q04 - my eyebrows are wrecked
Q05 - I'm stuck in my coat
Q06 - when the water is running down the shuck of your arse, you know all about it
Q07 - tell him to fuck clean off, I need that card
Q08 - she's a nosy fucking slut
Q09 - she's rough as fuck then she opens her mouth and just doubles it
Q10 - fuck off you windy, rainy cunt
Q11 - they conduct lightning ... oh no wait ... they don't, they're rubber
Q12 - he's a male slut
Q13 - do you remember Supergran? she was great
Q14 - Google rent-a-ghost

20/05/2011 quotes

Q01 - shit stirring wooden spoon bastard
Q02 - "she tried to kill herself, why?" - "she has no hair"
Q03 - I had a toy duck once that had alopecia
Q04 - he doesn't have an ugly face
Q05 - I've got the key ... I've got the secret
Q06 - I had a feeling on the train that I was going to die
Q07 - it's me and a bunch of Finnish people
Q08 - I was watching that who wants to be a deal or no deal person
Q09 - after I take my head for a shite, I'll do it on Monday
Q10 - it's ok unless you lick it
Q11 - look ... no hands ... new skills ... learning everyday
Q12 - you're beginning to rattle my ass
Q13 - fuck you ya ho!
Q14 - I don't do that running lark

19/05/2011 quotes

Q1 - he's just a nodding dog
Q2 - did you ever notice that people with tight curly hair have curly faces?
Q3 - do you think if I started eating the right food and went to the gym there'd be hope for me?

Graffiti of the Day

Saw this near my bus stop today and just had to share:

Graffiti of the Day: "I love mesy tampons"


words escape me,
Joe

17/05/2011 & 18/05/2011 quotes

Q01 - the willing horse gets a heavy load
Q02 - can you deal with your thumbs?
Q03 - this collusion is shit, you'll never get a job for the RUC
Q04 - remember when you used to rent TVs ... and you were the remote ...*slap* change that channel dickhead
Q05 - "he wasn't Indian?" - "No, Tyrone" - "same thing"
Q06 - new medication, need new medication ... new balls please
Q07 - obsessed with balls? I wish!
Q08 - I had a dog called Rosebud when I was a child
Q09 - I thought I was going to die ... I thought this is it for me
Q10 - The moral of the story is don't take the battery out of your phone

16/05/2011 quotes

Q01 - ... and she's a lying fucking bastard!
Q02 - you can't speak ill of the dead, you don't even know them
Q03 - he was only mad lookin' in there
Q04 - you don't realise how dark it is in here until the lights come on
Q05 - I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE TOILET!!!
Q06 - growing pains are the worst
Q07 - Russia fries my head
Q08 - "He sounds foreign" - "He might be Welsh"
Q09 - have you ever had a peanut butter and jam sandwich?
Q10 - I had 'the wind' the day after
Q11 - where you not afraid to fart?
Q12 - I've got a phobia about the shingles
Q13 - thank god I'm not ridin'
Q14 - if i build it they will come
Q15 - my belly button is like the black hole of Calcutta
Q16 - belly buttons are mental

12/05/2011 quotes repost

Q1 - what happens if you get a hard on?
Q2 - he was a simple critter that you couldn't have told if he was 60 or 20
Q3 - if it hadn't been for J you would have been clean shot in the face
Q4 - he's pure twisted
Q5 - it's a long time since you were a Virgo
Q6 - I've never been called a 'fuck' before
Q7 - she's quiet but she's not daft
Q8 - he thought the egg came out of the duck's mouth
Q9 - "she's sitting there with her jukebox out and we're sitting in her seat" - "it's clean!"

13/05/2011 quotes

Q1 - I'm going to have to manually input it ... with my pen
Q2 - he's sponsoring an African child because a girl he fancies works for some charity but if she won't go out with him he's gonna cancel the payment
Q3 - the sally rod would give you warbles

10/05/2011 & 11/05/2011 quotes

Q1 - you have to be retarded or something to qualify for that title
Q2 - I'd come in and boke all over her
Q3 - mooning's great!
Q4 - they moved all the paedophiles to Portstewart
Q5 - he's another one of the god help them's

06/05/2011 & 09/05/2011 quotes

Q1 - we went to Glastonbury, like two spastics, with a "Wendy House"
Q2 - fuck off you rainy cunt
Q3 - I don't have a coat, sure I don't have any hair
Q4 - I'll let you lick my knee
Q5 - but there'll be people there with luxury tents that we'll just make friends with

Quote of the Month update

Winning quotes were based on total scores but from now on there will also be a spot for best average score.

QOTM Feb avg: she can't not go to the dump just because it's her birthday

QOTM Mar avg: she looks like a jumble sale

QOTM Apr avg: it's the last song I danced to with my granda before he got his leg amputated

April Quote of the Month

Tied for 1st place:

-  she wouldn't have the brains for casework, she can't even speak English

- "he's some crazy band member" - "and he's a dick too"

03/05/2011 & 04/05/2011 quotes

Q1 - you can't be shitting in an avocado bog in this day and age
Q2 - it's the best farm I've ever been on
Q3 - did her box fall out in the street again?
Q4 - are all dwarves not ginger?

28/04/2011 quote

Q1 - it's like sucking cock in the rain

22/04/2011 quotes

Q1 - I had to take the child with me because her Da's a prick

Q2 - I fell asleep on the bus and ended up in Monkstown

Q3 - "Monkstown?" - "It's where they make monks"

Q4 - I can't print clarification sheets, my computer says no

Q5 - We're off for Easter and I have to spend a week in the real world, I won't be able to cope!

20/04/2011 & 21/04/2011 quote

Q1 - Your Da's not your Da. You're going on Jeremy tomorrow for a DNA. This is your chance to shine on TV so put your best shellsuit on

Q2 - There's too many nutbars out there

Q3 - "when I was a kid I had to walk 2 miles to school" - "In your bare feet?" - "Nah, I had Clarks on!"

Q4 - Do you think my daddy doesn't know about Kim Kardashian's hole?

Q5 - they should have Sky Plus for radio so I can pause it

Q6 - I was away being a rent boy in Barbados

Q7 - Mormons wear special magic underwear

18/04/2011 & 19/04/2011 quotes

Q1 - I might just drink their tea and not give them a voucher
Q2 - I pay more rates than them, I have an outside tap
Q3 - You can't bring a wean into that, they don't even have oil heating
Q4 - He looked like a dog's shit
Q5 - I love elbow skin

15/04/2011 quotes

Q1 - I've got 'pull-in' pants at the ready
Q2 - I'd rather be a whore than a housewife
Q3 - my child likes cowboys, all I could think of was Brokeback Mountain
Q4 - you're going to turn in to a petit filous
Q5 - fuck your tin of coke
Q6 - you never see a Chinese funeral, where do they go?
Q7 - you have to be fluent in Irish to work for the Republican Civil Service
Q8 - They're very good with dogs ... animal lovers

14/04/2011 quotes

Slight change to the blog, from today I'll only be posting quotes.
Enjoy.

Q1 - bring me one ... not just anyone - they have to have money
Q2 - who the fuck are these people?
Q3 - I don't mind you running over birds I don't like any of them
Q4 - I could make millions from being a retard
Q5 - there isn't enough drink, god help him

11/042011, 12/04/2011 & 13/04/2011 topics

- gardening
- babies
- vegetables
- fashion
- Glastonbury toilets
- cakes
- one big shoe
- doing a job properly
- chicken fillets
- work magazine
- hangovers

Q1 - it's taken her 13 minutes to make a cup of tea

Q2 - I needed the length, you know?

Q3 - the only reason I'm leaving early is that I have a chicken to cook

Q4 - I love sprouts but the people I live with don't love me when I've had sprouts

Q5 - you never lie to your child

Q6 - Never buy wicker shoes

Q7 - Clogs aren't the done thing. They're shit!

Q8 - You're better off shittin' in a trench

Q9 - she probably pissed on the floor

Q10 - you couldn't eat a wee penguin

Q11 - Amateur!

Q12 - that doesn't annoy as much as everything that led up to it

Q13 - folks died wanting

Q14 - I've been to Southfork ... and I bought a pair of cowboy boots

Q15 - I think she might have been a man

Q16 - if you're going to do life for assault you might as well do life for murder

Q17 - i spent all day Saturday boking my ringer up

Q18 - the League of Ireland has now started and Derry City have had an OK start with two wins, two draws and one loss from their opening three fixtures

Q19 - I'm gonna sell you on eBay, I don't want to be your mummy anymore

Q20 - I'm not a child

Q21 - it's like being held captive on Loose Women

Q22 - I'm going to put something through a window, this conversation has to stop

Q23 - she wouldn't have the brains for casework, she can't even speak English

07/04/2011 & 08/04/2011 topics

- staff moves
- hen nights
- strippers
- Bob Dylan's gig in China
- The Rocky steps
- murdering your spouse
- all you can eat buffets
- silent rage
- underage smoking and drinking
- cannabis
- Grand National sweep
- Glee

Q1 - he's up her hole sideways

Q2 - he said 'you look fucked up', he's not good with compliments

Q3 - he's got a Kim Kardashian hole

Q4 - those Chinese would stand up for anything

Q5 - he can talk the talk but can he walk the walk

Q6 - he ate so much he needed a shite break

Q7 - he's as wild as a crow

Q8 - it's the last song I danced to with my granda before he got his leg amputated

Q9 - you're a overstaffed glee club

Q10 - clean off one of the high stools, I had a real sore face the next day

Q11 - they wouldn't help me up, I was lying there for about a minute

Q12 - "you can play the spoons" - "will i be able to sing and play the spoons at the same time? ... nah I can't"

Q13 - my grey hair won't dye, they're back everybody by the way

Q14 - just suck a walt

Q15 - "he's some crazy band member" - "and he's a dick too"

05/04/2011 & 06/04/2011 topics

- tea break snacks
- secret x-rated diaries
- quote of the month survey
- over monitoring
- tech support
- fake perfume
- staff moves
- because of our conversations in work we can't have normal conversations in the real world
- poor air conditioning
- unanswered voicemail
- town challenge
- film extras
- falling over drunk
- feet

Q1 - she's a dirty bitch

Q2 - is it still alive? ... can you not hit it over the head with a spade?

Q3 - he had you tortured, he was texting you the colour of his knickers

Q4 - what is it? is it magic?

Q5 - he got a good deal then scampered away like fuck

Q6 - air my breasts ... did you get a whiff of eau de boobs

Q7 - institutionalised, we have become

Q8 - when we were in love he used to do the hard skin for me

Q9 - I should be locked up! There's wiser in fields eating grass, as they say

Quote of the Month: March

the first time we don't have our flat and there's two sluts lookin' bucked

Quote of the Month: February

The Wheels is in hospital - She failed her MOT!

04/04/2011 topics

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Bonus

29/03/2011 topics

- drinking for dutch courage
- funny childhood stories
- parent teacher meetings
- eyeballs
- the cost of make-up
- tanning
- ginger kids
- sky sports
- staff vs management
- rascality & ineffectualness

Q1 - there's some places I won't lick

Q2 - that's not the child I gave birth to

Q3 - well I'm strange

Q4 - he's as funny as a mass card

28/03/2011 topics

- grandparent's birthdays
- the height of co-workers kids
- people dressing like it's their first communion
- semolina
- paying for school dinners
- lottery winnings
- the shock of receiving some post at the correct address
- standing in your knickers and using a hand-drier to dry trousers
- our new motto "what would McA**** do?" (name obscured for legal reasons)

Q1 - if I dressed like that my kids would lock me in a wardrobe

Q2 - what year was my house born?

Bonus: The Fear

It always seems like you've done something really bad that you can't remember, a side effect of blackout from the night before. Is that blood on your arm yours? Did you murder someone? Where the fuck did all these bruises come from? Why can't I move my neck? Was I in a car accident?
Sometimes you have done something really cringeworthy, but mostly there's an anxiety about imagined outrages. Then the usual bite when you come to terms with how much money you rinsed in the binge, the fact your girlfriend isn't speaking to you because you grabbed her sister's arse right up the crease of her shuck, your mate is raging because you spilled half a bottle of wine down the back of his stack, the bouncers in your local had to escort you from the premises, and some amateur pap has photographs of the whole evening and tagged you on facebook in a video "erotically" dancing to Lady Gaga.
And never check your sent texts. Ever. Delete the whole folder and pretend you didn't send outpourings of undying love to the barmaid.
There is no cure for The Fear, but I find a fry and a couple of beers takes the worst of the edge of it. Try and resist the temptation to turn it into another session, however. The Fear will wait for you on the other side and grows in might exponentially with each day of the bender.

Last couple of days have been terrifying, spiritually, psychologically and physically.
Flew to Glasgow on 16th and flew back on 21st with no day off the lash in between. Managed a few breakfasts and a couple of evening meals, but mostly a non-stop 18hr a day diet of beer, red wine and rum. 6 days solid. Oh, and then took a pill and a rake of nose-gunk within an hour of arriving back in Belfast.
The Fear kicked in the next day as expected, but this was nothing like I have ever felt before. Squirting rusty battery acid out of my shuck every hour. Puking up every time I tried to drink a glass of water. Disturbing red flecks in said puke. Stomach on fire. Pissing a painful deep orange and cloudy reeking matter. Needed to go back to work the next day so I took to my bed and tried to rest. Not a fucking chance. Shrieking head-goblins every time I closed my eyes. Imagined that every car door slamming in the street was a murder squad come for me. Sweats, shivers, too hot, too cold, everything too wrong. Genuinely scared of even turning on the tv or looking out the curtains in case of seeing bad things.
And then, in a moment of sheer genius, got up and checked my online balance to find I had spent a grand in a week (not including flights, hotels or gig tickets all pre-paid) and I had a tenner left in my account. I think at that point there may have been some weeping. The Fear had won again.
Managed a pint yesterday after work, got paid by work, and the weekend may be ahead, but something has changed in me. Some irreparable damage, perhaps. I feel like a haunted man. My stomach still isn't processing stuff properly. The moral of the story: by the age of 44, I should have realised that 6 days non-stop should have a cost; the cost is 3 days in the ninth circle of hell. As the prison bitch of The Fear.

(link)

24/03/2011 & 25/03/2011

- The Fear
- paranormal activity (not the film)
- raving at The Arena
- forum comedy
- tucker max stories (link)
- premature babies
- how to hang clothes properly on a washing line
- peppa pig land
- time off at easter
- monitoring timekeeping
- secret weddings

Q1 - when the light show came on everyone used to lie on the floor, pure rubbered, just watching

Q2 - hey ho

Q3 - have you seen the size of the bees we're getting? they're bigger than birds!

Q4 - count yourselves lucky you have jobs

Q5 - she looks like a jumble sale

Q6 - look at him!

22/03/2011 & 23/3/2011

- health and safey regarding asthmatics & aftershave
- hen nights
- children
- scars and head injuries
- height issues
- semi-naked gypsies in Primark
- our own mortality

Q1 - you forget you have a shadow

Q2 - of course they're staring at you, you've got your tits in their face

Q3 - imagine your tubes untying

Q4 - one was a mistake when she was 20 and the other was a mistake when she was 40

Q5 -'what happened to your hand?' - 'someone smashed a bottle over my head!'

Q6 - my ma is 5ft5 and I would have made it if I didn't smoke

Q7 - I'm 36 soon so I don't consider myself young anymore

21/03/2011 topics

- the secret marriage of co-workers and how they managed to keep it a secret. Questions will have to be answered on their return from honeymoon!
- dancing badgers (link)
- St Patrick's Day parades
- locked-in syndrome (link)
- phone upgrades
- making a pact to be married by 40
- drunken food choices

Q1 - people from Cookstown are ugly, they're really weird looking

Q2 - you'd eat shit off a rusty stick when you're steamin'

18/03/2011 topics

- painting pots and cake sales
- grinders
- memories of school
- conversations with children
- The Smoking Room (link)
- who we should have backed at Cheltenham

Q1 - I got one from Ling of the Bi

Q2 - an albino could only come from Larne

15/03/2011 & 16/03/2011 topics

- pedos
- nearly killing pensioners who are out walking their dogs at 7am
- wine
- not putting the father on a child's birth certificate
- Jeremy Kyle's DNA tests
- sleep-walking & sleep-eating
- the cold weather
- height
- is the definition of a gentleman someone who lets you keep your bra on?
- noise pollution
- poor fashion choices
- watching porn behind your partners back

Q1 - fuck this balls, it's too early!

Q2 - why did I wear these jeans? My balls are freezing!

Q3 - sleep is mental

Q4 - take your bra off

Q5 - you can see her knickers through that

14/03/2011 topics

- last weekend
- pedo priests
- going on holiday without your kids
- Japanese earthquake (link 1) (link 2)
- hangover cures
- leaving the toilet seat up
- children's masks
- hiding books inside other books
- money or love: what is all you need? (money)
- where does the word poke come from in reference to ice cream?

Q1 - the first time we don't have our flat and there's two sluts lookin' bucked!

Q2 - what size is her face?

Q3 - is the Caribbean not where Hawaii is?

Q4 - money may not be able to buy you love but it can buy an approximation at an hourly rate and that's good enough for me

Q5 - "I don't like touching the toilet seat with all those germs on it" - "You wipe your hole when its covered in shit!"

11/03/2011 topics + bonus

- MOT, insurance and shit French cars
- Charlie Sheen's cooking up some winning recipes
- Tsunamis, earthquakes and the gulf stream
- child birth
- unlicensed dogs
- problem neighbours
- children's parties
- cracks in walls
- moonboots
- roman numerals
- men vs women: who are filthier?
- Tardree Forest: catering for all your witchcraft, devil-worshiping, cottaging and dogging needs (link)

Q1 - never buy a car from a county that won in the war

Q2 - it's like pulling your lip over the top of your head

Q3 - dogs are like women, good fun until they turn on you

BONUS

10/03/2011 topics

- free wood for fires
- giving birth
- people mishearing your name
- dinosaurs
- alligators vs crocodiles
- returning items to Next
- Baywatch (link)
- radio phone in competitions
- fake eyelashes
- dying grey hair



Q1 - I'd rather buck that stair

Q2 - people from Derry are just weird, they're not on our wavelength

Bonus

09/03/2011 topics

- women pissing themselves
- invading personal space
- Ash Wednesday
- fake Disneyland holidays
- legal cock-ups
- re-mortgaging
- lay preachers
- nuns

Q1 - if you're jumping on a trampoline it can happen ... only if you've pushed out a few kids or something

Q2 - he's like a woman on her period

Q3 - carmelite nuns, what would they do with a banana?

08/03/2011 topics

- doing the hucklebuck behind the sofa
- going wrong / having a moment
- fake nails and half-price jewellers
- birthday cake
- the walking speed of colleagues
- going 'hunting' for partners
- vomiting on a private island
- Mexican pranksters
- Crayon Classes AKA The Unit
- The Parks

Q1 - it'll take them 2 weeks, they may leave now

Q2 - you go out a day like that with no coat and you'll have no coat

Q3 - "You haven't seen one fish" - "I don't give a fuck!"

Q4 - our crayon class got to go fuckin jet-skiin'!!

07/03/2011 topics

- Gavin & Stacey
- house calls
- Charlie Sheen 'winning' on Good Morning America (legend)
- The Hucklebuck

QOTD: Fuck my tonsils!

01/03/2011 topics

- Celtic v Rangers (link)
- Rooney's elbow against Wigan
- rising cost of car insurance
- unhygienic people

QOTD: she's fuckin leapin

28/02/2011 topics

- failed romantic moments
- the ides of march
- history of April Fools Day
- why does Easter move date?

QOTD: she wouldn't piss on him

24/02/2011 topics

- giving away land
- gigs at Slane Castle
- issues with Sky TV
- probability and random maths
- cricket, baseball, American football and rugby
- too much TV advertising
- breast feeding
- gay relations (both meanings)

QOTD:  do you think they take turns or swap around or something?

QOTD 2: the milk was falling outta me!

23/02/2011 topics

- calipers and one big shoe
- facecloths
- people who don't understand buses
- walking like a womble
- the dump

QOTD: They said they weren't taking TVs so we just drove round the corner and fucked it out on the street

22/02/2011

- court appearances
- going to the dump
- high cholesterol
- nervous breakdowns

QOTD: she can't not go to the dump just because it's her birthday

21/02/2011 topics

- Sky Sports' bigotry towards Liverpool vs BBC's bigotry towards West Ham
- re-using shopping bags
- Suede gig in Dublin
- phone upgrades
- childhood refreshments (cream soda, brown lemonade etc)
- Hooters

QOTD: Grow a dick

18/02/2011 topics

- knocking people down with your car
- getting injections in the wrong body part
- Jeopardy The IBM Challenge
- The Beast's ball falling out
- The assault in Belfast City Centre the night before (the jokes are too cruel to post)
- The genius of Alan Partridge (link)

QOTD: Shit! ... fuckin' hell, I don't have a bastarding pen! (from an elected official)

17/02/2011 topics

- remodeling plans
- hen night locations
- wedding plans
- going swimming and forgetting your costume
- poor eyesight
- Boardwalk Empire (link)

QOTD: that Al Capone was a funny looking fucker

16/02/2011 topics

- kids clothes
- facebook
- good quality meat
- new staff
- career advice (what would you do if you had a million quid?)
- different medical beliefs of religions

QOTD: he said it was the best meat he'd ever worked with

15/02/2011 topics

- autism vs down syndrome
- valentines day celebrations
- problems getting a day off
- surgery for a burst appendix
- comical grandparents
- shit xmas presents
- people talking in their sleep

QOTD: He'll be all over it like pubes on soap

14/02/2011 topics

- VD (link)
- what happens in surgery when you are asleep? (are you interfered with?)
- hen night gifts
- gardening tips
- warts and cures
- China
- "women's problems"

QOTD: do you want to touch my VD? it's all spongy!

11/02/11 topics

- boyfriends that are too horny
- fake tan
- Cork plane crash
- sore backs
- hen night costumes
- Douche bags (the item not the people)
- partners taking off wedding rings
- a full loaf of sandwiches
- The Hunt for the Hunk (link)
- the whorish behaviour of a colleague

QOTD: I don't care what I look like in the morning, I could scare rats

QOTD 2: premature ejaculation is a myth invented by women

10/02/2011 topics

- cars & insurance
- crazy cat people
- mental co-workers aka 'Derry Men'
- opposites attract (apparently)
- kids picking their own clothes
- after-school activities for kids
- concern that a wheelchair bound ex-colleague has been admitted to hospital
- habitual line stepping
- probability of certain hands being dealt in cards

QOTD: The Wheels is in hospital - she failed her MOT!

09/02/2011 topics

- fabric softener & nice smelling clothes (on a particular manager)
- tattoos
- owls
- buying recipe books
- the emotional issues involved in being born with a 'wee line' and a 'massive vadge'
- HR issues
- turning every day work situations in to porn scripts

QOTD: are owls birds?

08/02/2011 topics

- Gypsies
- problems with car-sharing
- sex habits of our management
- kids breaking TV's
- does navy go with black?
- washing machines and dryers
- smoothies and where has the best fruit
- sending a message in a bottle (and not getting a reply)
- pen pals from teletext (on TV not internet)
- "young boys" (18+, nothing illegal)

Quote of the day: did you know that a washer-dryer has a bigger gap between the drum and the door?

QOTD 2: Food shouldn't be blue

07/02/2011 topics

- shit overtime
- bombs in Larne
- car-crashes
- valentine's day gifts
- TV DNA tests
- the guy who proposed to his girlfriend on Jerry Springer only to find out she was a dude
- do men have standards when it comes to choosing a sexual partner? (general agreement was no)
- work machines cutting fingers off
- the monkey that fucked a frog (link)

Quote of the day: Banana yoghurt, it's the future

04/02/2011 Topics

- putting dogs to sleep
- shit bosses
- heaven, hell, Valhalla, ghosts & banshees

03/02/2011 Topics

- Diets and Zumba
- are The White Stripes brother and sister?
- Dogs vs Donkeys
- School Prefects

Quote of the day: Donkeys aren't cheap you know

Quote of the day 2: He knows he's a reject maybe that's why he's in to Spunk

02/02/2011 Topics

- Superstitions
- Gypsy weddings and them dressing their children like hookers
- Stomach cramps and 'rusty water'
- Big Sam's Twitter genius
- Beech Nut and single Jammy Dodgers bought before school
- Cameltoes
- Children cutting their own hair
- sexual encounters between work colleagues in the workplace

Quote of the day: "She's getting a boot in the doot"

01/02/2011 Topics

- Psoriasis
- good looking non-celebrities on TV
- borrowing money from a child's money box and forgetting to pay them back (technically stealing)
- Idiotic customers
- door curtains (to stop wood fading in sunlight)
- school milk
- Disability living allowance and drinking allowance for alcoholics
- "all rise" from a courtroom being used to mean erections

Quote of the day: You're all a bunch of wankers!

To begin

Most people think the office they work in is full of crazies and most people are right.

I work in a normal office with normal people but like many workplaces there can be a bit of downtime where staff have a chance to catch up on gossip or discuss something which is not work related, from today I'm going to post the topics of conversation on this blog to show what normal people are talking about.

I don't have the time to go in to each topic in detail so you can  try and determine for yourself what was said, also some topics may cause offence so I don't want people to be able to be identified from this.

By way of an intoduction that's pretty much all I have to say so on to the first post...